I'll be back...!!!

Spy Kid recently told me.. or rather asked me... "Why haven't you written anything on your blog lately.. " Well.. Its not like I don't have anything to say.. Its just the usual infrastructural problems.. Lack of continued, uninterrupted net access.. Who would have thought that someone could suffer from "Network Block" which prevents one from writing something on this vast cyberspace..
Anyways.. to Spy Kid and many like her.. I will soon be back.. Hang on a bit...

LOVE... OR SOMETHING LIKE IT

I think people have this whole concept of "love" and "relationship" pretty messed up.. I venture the risk of making this dangerous statement for the simple reason that when I ask someone why he/she is in a relationship, I don't seem to be getting any convincing reasons.. And then there are people who want to be in a relationship for the funny(tragic???) reason of "I want someone in my life"... HHEELOOOO!!!! Are you living in an island? Mars? Dont you have people around you? Friends, colleagues, family, etc.. Are they not people? What a reason!! I want someone in my life cause I'm lonely..
Should it not be I want someone in my life because I have so much love to give.. I want to meet someone who just completes me and who makes that love worth sharing, makes my life worth sharing?? I think one should fall in love for the reason of love itself.. Love me for a reason.. and let the reason be love.. Now thats what I call true love..
And then there are takes on how that love should be.. Ohmygod!! they are so cute together.. He calls her up every hour to tell her what he ate,drank, whom he talked to.. EXCUSE ME!!!! Is that radio collar a valentine's gift?? Met a PYT the other day who said - "My BF (can't even say boyfriend!!) loves me ssssooooo much.. If I don't call him up the moment I wake up, he gets very upset!!".. Aww!! How sweet.. Isn't it just lovely that her BEE-EFF is an insecure psycho straight out of Sleeping with the Enemy?!
I may be sounding cynical or perhaps you're thinking "oh-what-does-he-know".. Ya.. What do I know?? I must confess that I've had my share of failed relationships.. So probably I do do not know jackshit about love or how a relationship should work... Or maybe the relationships failed because I do know.. Yes.. Thats it.. I do know.. That when I love.. It shall be forever.. It shall be with passion.. Intense and strong.. With all my heart.. With my soul.. A pure,almost spiritual, radio-collar less love.. When.. I do not know.. How.. I do know.. With whom.. I do not know.. Why... I do know..

Every worldy ambition accepts defeat.
I want to be: her wounded soul, her uncried tears,
her broken heart, her nameless fears
her stifled breath, her wasted years.

I want to absorb, I want to drain
From her life, her every pain.

That every night she quietly cried,
that every moment she couldn't decide,
that every time she could not hide,
that every prayer that death defied.

That every blow she had to take,
that every promise she could not make,
that every silence for love's sake,
that every moment when dreams break.

Where reason ends, life begins,
She is - the wind beneath my wings,
She is the voice I touch and see,
My unfounded dream, my reality.

She is the flower never out of bloom
The ray of light in this darkened doom.

And this world is but the ground beneath her feet.

Time - You old gypsy man..

This is dedicated to all those who feel life and time is just passing them by. I feel that at times, when I just want to rush and hold time in the palm of my hand or close it tightly within a fist.. I especially have this urge when its a windy day and I'm walking on a deserted street with a friend.. Talking, chatting or just simply being. How I wish that time like that would just stop dead in its tracks..

The great Gulzar captured in words so beautifully (hardly a surprise now, is it?) the above feeling -

Dil dhoondta hai, phir wohi fursat ke raat din
baithe rahe tasavvur-e-jaana kiye hue

Jaadon ki narm dhoop aur aangan mein let kar
aakhon pe kheench kar tere aanchal ke saaye ko
aundhe kabhi, kabhi karvat liye hue

Barfeeli sardiyon mein kisi bhi pahaad par
vaadi mein goonjti hui khamoshiyan sunein
aakhon mein bheege bheege se lamhe liye hue

Lament of Contentment

Current song playing in my head : - Mitwa from KANK

Shankar Mahadevan's voice rings in my head - Mere mann yeh bata de tu... Kis ore chala hai tu... Kya paya nahin tune.. Kya dhoond raha hai tu

What words! What is it that the heart seeks? What is it that it hasnt found as yet.. Contentment they say, is a state of mind.. Then why is the state of my mind so unsatisfied? So thirsty and hungry for more?

I am in a highly coveted job which many people will give their life for.. I work for one of the highly respected companies in the world.. And my job is supposed to be full of challenging opportunities, avenues to go abroad, highly flexible and motivating and what-have-you.. I work for a fat pay package that enables me to feed my wants and indulgences more than required..

I have friends with whom I go out partying, dinners, movies, etc.. I am not someone who is lonely or left out.. A friend of mine recetly commented - "you're someone who develops a personal equation with everyone you meet".. which basically means that there is nothing lacking in my social life..

Then why do I feel so wanting.. So deprived.. Am I an anomaly? or am I just plainly human.. Wanting more.. Perpetually dissatisfied.. Accursed with high ambitions and unsatiable aspirations.. Is this what my Lament is? -

I am cursed with wanting too much too soon
Trying too hard too often, striving for things that taunt me, just beyond my fingertips
Accomplishing too little, despite my lauded efforts
Hurting people, not helping them

We are the cursed, fringe elements in denial
Defying their condescension, shattering their delusions
Breaking every barrier they cherish, like pacifiers
Yet still, twisted hilariously, dysfunctional specimen

And so we learn the hard way to work with the system
To keep tactfully silent, to flatter, to lie and to compliment
To assimilate and not protest, to be humble, modest and smiling
To please them, though we may never forget,
That we’re square pegs in very round holes

MURDER

She killed me
Not with a gun
Or a dagger
But with a glance
That left me wondering
At the origin of her deadly weapon.

I didn’t bleed
Or scream in terror.
I just melted
Into the mess I was.
To remain that way forever
A puddle of filth, in a dingy corner.

The teardrop

I feel we cry very easily these days.. Out of joy, sorrow, fear, relief.. In pain, in prayer, in dejection and in hope.. Tears that were once rare have become ubiquitous commodities that are wasted and shed way too soon.. A sad novel, a touching movie, a hug goodbye, a hug hello.. Makes me wonder at the weaknesses of human emotions that flow at the drop of a hat.. Some say crying is a sign of weakness.. I dont think so.. But crying all too often is.. Not a weakness of the human spirit.. But of the human mind.. A mind that is not able to understand suffering in most striking form.. A mind that is so fragile that something as simple as saying goodbye to an old friend can have the saline water gushing from the eyes.. I think its time we became more resilient, and saved the teardrops for something truly overwhelming..

Squeeze a tear drop and let it rest
On the tip of your eye
Concealed candidly between the lashes and the lid
A drop of moisture, for you dry charred eye

Don’t let it fall, don’t let it turn into a pearl
Just hide it and let it remain
Let it moisten your eye
Your dead, dreary petrified eye

Squeeze it and let it rest
Let it rest for the child
Who works in the sun
Blazing as his dreams for the future

Let it rest for the unborn
Who was sacrificed
For the sins that she did not commit

Let it rest for the woman
Who dies every night
To live a life by day

Let it rest for the struggler
Whose peace has been snatched
For there are deadlines to be met
Let it rest, a lone honest teardrop

And when the trident of hope, trust and faith hits you
And your feet are cemented in the greens of security
Let the tear drop flow

Let it roll from eye to toe
Cleanse your soul, liberate it of its curses
And the benedictions
Let the tear drop flow

The Epitaph - My swan song

Have you ever felt that this would be last time you do something that is close to you? Like perhaps - "this would be the last song I'll sing"... or "This would be the last time I'll dance".. or "Today would be the last time I cook something special for someone I love".. I felt something like this today.. I felt like it would be the last time I'll write poetry.. I suddenly felt that the creative juices have run dry.. That theres nothing more left to write about.. It was a scary thought..

He sits with a pen in hand,
the paper as vacant as his mind..
I know this silent poet from an era gone by,
I try not to think, but he distracts my eye..
When is it you laughed, oh stranger?
When is it you felt and cared?
Tell me, oh spring! when you heard him last,
This stone cold boy from my wooded past?
He can stand it no more and picks up the knife,
I can feel his slimy blood - his last poem..
As cold metal touches cold skin, I laugh
He's left me nothing to write but this bloody epitaph..